While individuals may be highly brilliant and talented, few of us work in a vacuum; therefore our ability to develop relationships with others determines how successful we will be in our workplaces and in our relationships outside of work.
People are not
born with natural abilities to develop and build great relationships with other
people. These are skills like any other that can be learned and mastered if one
recognizes the need and takes the time and effort to develop them.
We can all become
a better relationship builders by clearing our minds and practicing a few basic
necessary acts:
Everyone has the
basic desire to be heard and understood. Unfortunately many of us are taught
how to be great listeners. Most people are too busy thinking of what they want
to say next to really listen to what the other person is saying.
When you notice
yourself doing this, take a breath and correct your pattern by listening well.
We naturally bond with people who really listen, hear us, and that we’d want to
spend time with.
The best way to
let people know that we hear them is to make sure that we first understand what
they are saying. To do this we dig deeper and ask questions. We repeat back to
them what they said in our own words to make sure what we heard makes sense to
us. One possible way of making this happen is to say, “What I heard you say was
. . .”
When others sense
that we are making a sincere attempt to understand them, they tend to open up
and share more with us. This deepens the relationship and places us in the
category of people they want to seek out and talk to.
We tend to
remember and appreciate the people who ask us if everything is okay, even if we
haven’t told them that anything is wrong. This tells us they are paying
attention to us, and we all want that.
When someone is
speaking, don’t focus only on the tone of their words, but also their facial
expression and body language. Notice when someone’s words don’t match their
facial expression or body language. This will open doors to having deeper, and
more meaningful conversations that will lead to developing trust and stronger
connections.
There is no more
beautiful sound to our ears than the sound of our own name. Remembering
people’s names is the first step to relationship building, and remembering
other important aspects about them continues the building process. They will
tell us what is important in their lives, all we need to do is listen and pay
attention.
When they are
speaking about a family member, an event, or a hobby and their faces light up,
remember this factoid, as it is important to them. We don’t have to remember
everything about them, just focus on their names and one important piece of
information.
Some people known
for building relationships keep a small portfolio of important information on
significant people in their lives so they will have a written record to refer
to in order to the keep facts accurate.
People whose mood
swings from hot to cold have a difficult time creating meaningful
relationships. Regardless of how we are feeling, we need to be able to
temporarily put those feelings aside to fully listen and engage others that are
important in our lives.
If we are going
through a period where we are experiencing strong emotions that keep us from
being fully present with the other person, we are better off letting this
individual know what is going on for us rather than pretending to listen. They
will appreciate our honesty and openness.
We all know people
who tell us their whole life story in the first five minutes of meeting us,
totally oblivious to the fact that we likely have absolutely no interest in
hearing it. To build strong relationships we need to be able to pace ourselves
and share when it’s appropriate and at a level that is consistent with the
depth of the relationship.
Good relationship
builders show they are sharing the feelings of the other by mirroring emotions
of the person speaking. Sharing excitement, joy, sorrow, frustration, and
disappointment helps connect us to others.
When possible
share a situation from your own experience to show that you can relate to the
other’s experience, but never so that it overshadows or competes with their
experience. This requires empathy and sensitivity to their feelings.
People who build great relationships feel good
about who they are and always look for the positive in their world. They
genuinely want the best for others and want to see them succeed.
The energy of
people who are comfortable in their own skin, upbeat, and positive creates an
atmosphere where we feel good, want to be around, and want to spend time with
them. They don’t gossip about others and keep what we tell them in confidence.
Being self-confident, they don’t feel the need to draw attention to themselves.
They always have time for the significant others in their lives. They are
life-long learners who are always open to and looking for opportunities for
self-improvement.
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